Fake Faces: 3rd Draft
1. Ext. Opening titles, Shot of a the façade of an ordinary house. We hear Colin singing “return of the man” badly over the top trying to get the interviewer to join in, who we hear politely declining: like it were karaoke if done sober. The interviewer then sets things rolling.
Interviewer
Eeehhneyway so, well for starters what does this whole crazy career of yours…… involve?
2. Int. Colin’s kitchen, he’s standing up with his back to the countertop hands placed loosely in pockets and slouching in a silly and befuddled manner.
Colin
Well I basically like, get to go to loads of parties!!!! Hee hee. [lovingly straightens face] no I,I take it serious. Cuz I mean people all over U.K depend on people like us to make their events memorable, an’ naturally business is good! [naively as if business does naturally boom]
Interviewer
[Realizing Colin is in a dreamworld] Well that must be lovely. Aaaand so…
Colin
[shuffling to the kettle] Sorry, you want a cuppa?
Interviewer
No I’m o.k tha
Colin
[Slightly cutting interviewer off] well I’m gunna go right ahead [makes the tea] don’t forget the sugar me do!
Interviewer
So I’m guessing it would be fair to say you enjoy it.
Colin
MMMM! Yeah and I’ve been to loads of great places; Japan, Switzerland… Wales. They love me in Wales. I mean hell it’s great going to the shops and the launderette. Everyone’s just so friendly… [Colin gets a text and without saying anything as he is lost for words shows his excitement].
Interviewer
[With a cheeky grin] whaaat’s happened Colin?
Colin
Stavros, my agent! He eh, jus confirmed the show! I’m gunna be on the chat show! He says it’s only “filling in” but big things. I’ve gotta like learn all these answers and all now.
Interviewer
I’m assuming you’re filling in for…
Colin
Mack!!! Wow I only wish I could… [happily struggling to gesture what his respect for Mack can’t be said in words] I just love the guy, and I haven’t even met him! Of course I’m not the only one though!
Interviewer
Ah so he’s popular?
Colin
Well yeah he’s famous [like he’s stating the bleeding obvious]. He makes people happy being famous… and cuz of him I get to make even more people happy. Everyone’s happy!
Interviewer
[Playing Devil’s advocate] so what would be your response say, to all the people who just see all you professional look-alikes as just the worst excesses of celebrity culture?
Colin
[still positive and enthusiastic] Well you’re always gunna get party poopers! And I mean like, it depends on the star dun it? Cuz Mack, yeah he’s like in the T-Mobile advert.
Interviewer
Which T-Mobile adv
Colin
[Slightly cutting interviewer off] welcome back!!! The airport! Return of the man! Return of the man! He’s on the telly, every day! [In a calmly reassuring manner] look just wait till you meet the guy.
3. Int. In an Art gallery, Mack is lounging inappropriately on gallery seating wearing fancy clothes and 3D glasses from the cinema.
Interviewer
So you’re L.O.L magazine’s silhouette of the month [the page from the mag appears on screen]
Mack
Oh yeah, course. Well I mean we were gunna do the full interview but then they realized they had double booked me with No Chance.
Interviewer
Sorry I don’t quite understa
Mack
[Cutting the interviewer off and acting as if the interviewer has been living on Mars] the Boyband? You know, “ode to botox”, “I’ll give you all my rim”?
Interviewer
Ah well I’m not familiar with them but I’m sure they’re great… So would you say, want to one day do something like that?
Mack
Oh yeah love to be as big as them one day and… well I mean since I did the advert I kind of already am, [extra smug now] you know like, coming out of Elton’s last Friday was… pretty…
4. Ext. Mac coming out of Elton’s club, all one shot focusing on Mack spoofing one of those internet gossip vlogs. A camp showbiz voice-over does the talking.
Voice Over
[Superficially friendly but with obvious mocking undertones] Dun dun daaa!!! Look what the cat dragged out. T-Mobile’s new wonder boy, Mack Rembrant better make sure he’s got enough credit to call the mini cabs, by god he’ll need it in his current state.
Our saucy sources tell us that this brown haired bandit, partied with a gaggle of gorgeous bitches all night long but still didn’t get any action. Oh dear! Well better luck next time, Mack from everyone at the L.O.L team!
Interviewer
This may sound a bit airy fairy but what are you’re thoughts then on “celeb culture”
Mack
Oh yeah love it, this country’s got great celebs. Speaking from experience of course… I know them personally. And we celebs are treated well here, we’re appreciated.
Interviewer
Why’s that do you think? [short pause] For all the appreciation?
Mack
Well, we celebrities are talented people, I mean as you know [smugly] I’m a bit of Renaissance Man what with the acting and the D.J’ing and of course the poetry.
Interviewer
Wow, could we hear some of your poetry?
Mack
[Now taking himself very seriously] Yeah… yeah. Errrm, O.K…
This one’s called “Three Fat Nuns”
First fat nun,
Sitting on the gable,
Dorothy… are you able?
Second fat nun,
She’s no fun,
Third fat nun, Dead.
cut
Interviewer
Some people though have criticized your rise to fame as a result of a chance appearance in an advert.
Mack
Firstly it wasn’t chance. Because deep down you know, there’s a reason I became the centrepiece of that advertising campaign, what’s the word? Charisman.
Interviewer
Do you mean charisma?
Mack
[Not embarrassed as if he knew all along] Yeah. It’s talent. Look I don’t wanna boast or anything but since that advert I’ve been in a string of advertising campaigns and yeah as you said, I’m big in the press. Not that I care about that or anything.
Interveiwer
O.K, and secondly?
Mack
[With a stupid blank expression] what?
INT. On the set of Zen T.V, Jenna Flax the loud, creepily happy in a simple way, still inexperienced and beneath the surface insecure talk show host is quizzing Colin. They however think he’s Mack as they don’t really know what Mack looks like exactly or really know who he is. Jenna is also aided by two colourful and annoying puppets; Mong and Ming. Colin knows he’s “filling in” for Mack and is just going with it.
Jenna
[In an overly confident and thus bizarre way] wer wer wer welcome back! I’m Jenna flax and this is still [as a chorus with the crew] ZEN T.V!!!! [pointing to the crew] Oh you are a sexy bunch [laughing and looking down]. O.k now it’s time for…
Mong & Ming
[Cheesy graphics on screen to accompany] the star probe.
Jenna
And as you know last week we had a proper heated debate on whether you preferred adverts or actual T.V
Mong & Ming
[Mumbling over the top of Jenna] Adverts?, Meh T.V! Nah Adverts.
Jenna
So this week we’ve got a star from this absolutely massive commercial it’s [looking Clumsilly at her cards] Mack from the Vodafone advert everyone! [Jenna and the crew cheer].
Colin
[Looks surprised and confused at Jenna’s blunder but quickly and now somewhat reluctantly becomes wrapped up in the cheering]
Jenna
[Calms the crew down with exaggerated hand gestures, thinking she is cool, relaxed and powerful]. So Mack just in case you’re not familiar lemmie give you the dealio; our gorgeous viewers, [looks at the camera and sings the word along with Ming & Mong] viewers!!! Have just started sending in their rotisserie hot questions full of gossip inducing goodness ready to probe you for only the finest most refined celebrity data. However to make things just that extra extra bit mental, whatever happens you must answer without using any full stops! So are you ready?
Colin
YEAH!
Ming, Mong and Jenna
Let’s probe!
Jenna
Firstly, Sandrine no-no from Anglesey wants to know if you are actually on Vodafone.
Colin
No I am on T-Mobile all my family are on T-Mobile T-Mobile and Orange now share signal.
Jenna
[Looks around the room whilst giving an interested acknowledgement expression] secondly, Rupert Clifford from Chigwell wants to know what with the glue habit and all do you plan on going to rehab? If so which clinic?
Colin
I’m just taking it all one step at a time I am undecided on my recovery centre for now though I’m living with my mum.
Jenna
Interesting stuuuuuff. O.K thirdly, Vikki Sage from Belgravia is asking [from this point on we’ve cut to Colin watching this on YouTube] why did your wife leave you?
INT. Back to Colin’s house, he has just paused the YouTube video on his face on the brink of answering Jenna’s question. His face is now confused and has elements of dissatisfaction to it, emotions that have been slowly and subtly building through the chat show as he unwittingly feels the stupidity and creepiness of it all. Nevertheless on the surface he is still convincing himself and trying to convince the interviewer that showbiz is magical.
Interviewer
So do you feel it all went well?
Colin
[Looking confused and pensive whilst gazing around the room] wheh?
Interviewer
The chat show…”Zen T.V”
Colin
Yeah…yeah [suddenly conscious of his drop in enthusiasm and thus perking up to stress the fact that] it was cool…
Interviewer
[Innocently enquiring] Is that it, or…?
Colin
[slightly cutting interviewer off] Oh no got loads more. [Now quicker and more nervous yet still confused] Stavros just got this wicked gig for the Wendslydale association down in Plymouth, and then of course there’s the start of a shooting season on glorious twelfth so that’s always a busy time for bookings. Lovely folk the old tweed lot, I mean met this one bloke right, Earl of…
Interviewer
[All the way through the last half of Colin’s talking has been trying to stop Colin] I meant is that all you had to say about the talk show.
Colin
Oh the talk show yeah it was cool…
Interviewer
You must quite proud of yourself, national television and all.
[Suddenly remembering Mack and going back to loving idiot mode] Well you know I’d love take the credit but I just can’t… you know! [as if the interviewer really does know]
Interviewer
Why’s tha’ oh yes of course… Mack.
Colin
[Nodding with a slightly weird grin] Yeeeeah! Mack always’ comes back, return of the Mack, get ready for a Mack attack! [Now weirdly back to his old positive self, still in awe of Mac] I tell you with that guy, skies the limit
Colin proceeds to lovingly talk about Mack as his voice fades out, the music fades in and the credits roll.
End
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