LOOKALIKE
Colin: People told me when the advert came out that I looked like him, but I didn't think it would come to anything. I mean it was quite annoying, actually. “Oh you look like Mack from the T-Mobile Welcome Back advert in Terminal 5, all you're missing is the sunglasses and guitar”. All the time. I mean it's annoying, isn't it, being told you look like someone? Well I used to find it annoying. But looking just like T-Mobile Mack has changed my life. I'm a new man. Literally, hahaha. Well I'm still myself obviously. Most of the time. Actually to be honest I'm quite often Mac. I've been getting a lot of work recently. He's really in demand now. The advert's got over 7 million hits on youtube. And he can't go to all the parties he's invited to himself, can he? So I go to most of them for him. As him. [Silly smile]
LOOKALIKE comes on screen. Credits?
SCENE: Mack arriving at awards ceremony or some event - getting lots of press attention, screaming girls, looking like a twat lapping up reception etc.
Mack: To be honest I don't care if I have lookalikes or not. I mean, it doesn't affect me, does it? If people want me so much that they invite some bloke who looks a bit like me – cos obviously noone looks just like me...if some bloke vaguely resembling me makes their party less of a sad affair then thats fine by me. Just keep me away from that party! Once you've been to one of Elton's it changes your idea of a party, do you know what I mean?
SCENE: Back to scene above (awards ceremony/gig continued) – we see Colin rushing to the front of the crowd greeting Mack; he shouts sweetly and loserishly, like a child, to get Mack's attention. Mack is a dick to him.
Colin: Mack! Mack! (no response)...Mack! [Mack sees Colin, and looks horrified/shocked for a moment; people around also notice Colin looks identical and are surprised/confused/excited; chatter about this e.g. “Who's that guy? Are you twins??”]
Colin: It's Colin, Colin Bell!
[Mack approaches Colin looking menacing; clearly confused and pissed off by Colin looking identical]
Mack: [Snarling] Who the hell are you?
Colin: [Looking massively crestfallen] Umm...I'm Colin. I look just like you. Haven't you heard of me?
Mack: Ha! [bitter laugh] Why the hell should I have heard of you? Because you think you look like me?
Colin: Umm...well actually I'm your main UK lookalike. Everyone says I'm just like you. I thought maybe we could – (he is about to say something like “meet up” or “be friends”)
Mack: Dream on mate. [GOING]
[As Mack walks down the red carpet (or whatever entrance to whatever event it is) we are left with image of Colin watching him go, looking like a child who's had his ice cream nicked]
CUT
Colin: Oh he's such a nice guy. We get on really well. I wouldn't say we're close, but I met him, just on the street, recently and he said he loved what I was doing. He deserves everything he's got. He wasn't one of the main characters in that advert for no reason. He's got talent.
CUT
Inter: How do you feel about Now magazine referring to you as a national hero?
Mack: Haha, yeah. Well obviously I'm humble, you know. You've got to be. But I've worked hard to get where I am and I reckon I deserve it. I'm not gonna say “Hey everyone, I'm a hero” but if that's how people see me then great.
Inter: Some people have criticised your meteoric rise to fame based on a chance appearance in an advertisement.
Mack: Well thats jealousy isn't it? (Smug smile). Firstly, it wasn't chance. There's a reason I became the centrepiece of that advertising campaign – what's the word? Charisman?
Inter: Do you mean charisma?
Mack: That's the one. It's talent. I'm not boasting, but I've been in a string of advertising campaigns for top companies - as you said, I'm big in the press. Not that I care about any of that. But don't then tell me I don't deserve to be where I am.
(Pause)
Inter: And secondly?
Mack: What? (Stupid, blank expression)
CUT
Inter: What exactly does being a lookalike involve?
Colin: I basically get to go to loads of parties! Haha! [Straightens face] No, it's a serious profession. I take it very seriously. People all over the UK depend on lookalikes to make their parties memorable. People love walking past a lookalike and having to double take. They all want photos taken with me so they can show their friends. The lookalike business is booming, as they say. There are a lot of people who would love to have my job, and I'm grateful. In fact, my agency, Fake Faces, is something they call an 'international player' now. I've been to loads of great places – Japan, Switzerland....Wales. They love me in Wales.
Inter: But do they love you or do they love T-Mobile Mack?
Colin: I'm not sure I see the difference....[blank stupid expression]
Inter: Do they think you're T-Mobile Mack?
Colin: [Concerned] Well, yeah....[brightening up again] Anyway, I love the parties, people are so nice. Apart from some, obviously...[looking rather upset]
Inter: Are people unpleasant sometimes?
Colin: Well, you know, you always get jokers, don't you? [Reluctantly] Some bloke recently said I looked more like Gary Neville than Mack. That hurt. Drunk people can be stupid though can't they?
Inter: What would be your response to people who see lookalikes as the worst excesses of a mindless, celebrity obsessed culture?
[Long pause as Colin looks pensive, clearly not understanding the question]
Colin: [Struggling] I would say...some people think lookalikes are the best excesses...of celebrity culture...[pulling himself together] I mean, people love celebs, love to know what they're up to, what they're wearing, who they're seeing etc. And most people can't get their favourite celebs to chill with them, so they get people like me....[silly smile] What's wrong with that?
Inter: Would you hire a lookalike of your favourite celebrity?
Colin: Well most of my mates are lookalikes so I could get pretty much anyone for free, hahaha (childish laugh). I'm good mates with the David and Victoria Beckham lookalikes – they're actually a couple you know, which is brilliant, cos going out with both of them people are always like “wow, the Beckhams and T-Mobile Mack together, what an awesome team”. I love that (childish grin).
Inter: Are people disappointed when they realise you're not actually who they think you are?
Colin: [Looking disappointed himself] Umm...well, they don't always realise [sad smile]
CUT
Inter: What do you think of the celebrity culture in this country?
Mack: Oh I love it. I think this country has great celebs, and I'm speaking from experience; I know a lot of them personally. Celebrities are treated well here, we're appreciated.
Inter: Many famous people make the opposite point, that they are hounded out by the press and have no privacy.
Mack: Well they shouldn't be celebrities if they don't want the attention! I think the press here treat us really well, always seeing what we're up to, what we like and what we don't. That's what you want as a celeb. I think it's a great service.
Inter: But don't you think it's gone too far when the lookalike business is booming?
Mack: If you ask me another beeeep question about that beeeep lookalike, I'm calling my agent. Do you understand? I don't know him, I don't want to know him. He's a nobody feeding off my success and frankly I'm gonna see if I can press charges against him on those grounds.
Inter: So you disagree with the concept of lookalikes? Do you think they should they be illegal?
[Mack gives interviewer a seething look and storms out]
CUT
Inter: What did you do before you were a lookalike?
Colin: [Embarrassed] Umm...I was in waste disposal.
Inter: A bin man? That's nothing to be ashamed of.
Colin: Listen I love my life now, and I'm just so grateful to Mack for giving it to me. Thanks Mack! [Cheesy, childish, looking into the camera]
CUT
FINAL SCENE: Glimpse of Colin's work. Empty children's party in depressing location – conference hall type place. Child who's party it is only one interested in Colin. He/she is an absolute weirdo spoiled brat.
Colin: [Embarrassed, to camera] I've never been to a place like this before. Really. I don't know what the agency is playing at. I normally get much bigger gigs.
[Weirdo fan suddenly approaches Colin excitedly]
Weirdo: T-Mobile Mack!! Oh my god you look JUST like him. Can you play the guitar?
Colin: Umm...no...
Weirdo: Why do you carry it round then?
Colin: It's part of the look....Mack can't play the guitar either, you know.
Weirdo: Well what can you do?
Colin: Umm...I provide photo opportunities and make for a party you'll never forget [nervous smile; clearly an agency line he has reeled off].
Ends on image of child's look at Colin; her face is almost disgusted, as though she's thinking he's a big waste of money.
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